I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
