oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
