So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
