Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
