Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
