end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
