my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
