i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
