Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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