DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
