I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
