I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
