Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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