is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Randomize
