I threw up into my coffee this morning.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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