before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Randomize
