Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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