He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
