I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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