He passed out mid-signature
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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