Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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