oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
