He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
