peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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