my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Why are your pants in the freezer?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize