His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
