my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
