I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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