there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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