Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize