My first STD was from a foam party
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
