Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
