Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
