rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
