Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize