he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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