NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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