i can't believe i had my finger in that
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
