oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
