In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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