just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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