The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
