meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
