oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
