not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
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