she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize