I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
