Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
