i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
