Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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