Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
