It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
