I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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