dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
