***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
