there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
