If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
