mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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