some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
