what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
