Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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