giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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