Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
