Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
