Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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