Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
