I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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