How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
