Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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