Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize