This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
