remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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