What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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