Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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